


Left To Remember

by silraen



Category: The Blacklist
Genre: Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks mixed with Present Day, Grief, Hurt, Loss, Romance, Sadness, anguish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-27 16:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10030760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silraen/pseuds/silraen
Summary: Years have passed and Elizabeth is learning to accept the greatest of losses...





	1. A Single Rose

The overcast sky gleamed quicksilver, the ground glittered like shattered glass. All was quiet and still save for two figures, a well-muscled, dark-skinned man and a slender woman in her late fifties, maybe early sixties, walking through the snow. They didn't speak, but their breaths misted in the frigid air as they made their way to their destination, following a path that wasn't marked but was clearly known by heart. The man would glance out of the corner of his eye at his companion every now and then. Her gaze was so focused on the distance before them she did not notice his concerned expression, nor did she seem to be aware of his strong hand steadying her as she slightly faltered through a particularly deep snowdrift. He opened his mouth, as if to ask if she needed to stop and take a brief rest. The woman glanced at him before he could speak, blue eyes piercing his own dark ones, before turning away to focus once again on her destination. Without a word, the man followed. 

Once the grove of ragged and bare trees parted before them, they stopped walking. They stared straight ahead in silence, eyes resting on something a few paces away. The man was the first to bow his head, heart aching. Then, after a moment, he looked at her. 

The wintry breeze brushed her long, dark hair away from her brow and shoulders. Her face was pale, so pale. But so beautiful. She had been a pretty little girl and a lovely young woman. Over the years, being the mother of two children and embracing the peace that comes with certainty in knowing oneself had matured that loveliness into beauty. Though, over this last year, sorrow lines had etched their way around her eyes and mouth. And they were quite visible, now, as she stared unblinking at the tombstone jutting out of the snow. 

"Dembe," her low voice was quiet, strong. "Will you wait for me?"

"Yes, Elizabeth." 

It was her way of telling him she wanted to be alone, and, bless him, he understood exactly what she needed. 

Elizabeth stepped away from him, moving as if in a dream toward the stone. She peeled off her gloves, unbuttoning her long overcoat to tuck them in one pocket. Her wedding ring flashed in the weak sunlight as she reached into her other pocket and carefully pulled out a rose. One of the thorns of the long stem bit into her finger--she welcomed the pain. It was a reminder of what Red had said to Agnes, long ago.... 

He had brought a bouquet of roses home to "freshen and liven the house up a bit." But she knew better. She knew. Agnes had run into the kitchen, demanding to see the "pretty flowers." Red had plucked a rose from the vase and had knelt down to be on eye-level with the girl he treated as if she were his own daughter. He had gently stayed her curious hand before she could grasp the stem. 

"Be careful, Aggie. Roses have thorns. See? They can poke you and hurt you if you touch them."

Eyes wide, she allowed him to take her finger and lightly guide it over one of the thorns to show her. 

"Why, Raymond? Why do they poke?"

"Well, roses smell good and taste good--"

"Taste!" Agnes interrupted, giggling. 

"Yes, taste!" Red chuckled, sharing a brief grin with Elizabeth before turning his attention back to the girl. "Some animals love to eat roses. But the roses don't want to get eaten! So they have thorns to defend themselves."

Agnes solemnly studied the rose, stem, thorns and all, for a moment. "I'm not sure I like the thorns, Raymond." 

He matched her solemnity. "Sometimes I don't like them either, sweetie." He met Elizabeth's eyes. "But without the thorns, a rose isn't a rose. We should love the rose as she is, thorns and all, shouldn't we?"

The message behind the question wasn't lost on Elizabeth. They both had hurt one another with their "thorns" many times in the past. Sometimes those past grudges came to the fore, especially during fiery arguments like the one that had occurred behind closed doors the night before. 

His eyes had held a silent query, and her own gaze had softened, answering him. A slight smile had quirked the corner of his mouth before he had returned his attention to Agnes, tickling her nose with the soft rose petals....

Elizabeth blinked, a tear trailing down her cheek. She bent and set the rose down on the snow before the tombstone. The burgundy petals were a stark contrast against the white snow. Like blood against skin. Pained, she closed her eyes. The familiar feeling of despair was welling within her chest, seeking release. Clenching her jaw against the wail that threatened to burst from her, she fell to her knees, hands balling into fists. 

"Red!" she gasped breathlessly. "God, Red. Why?"


	2. Their Tomorrrow

Dembe protectively kept watch over Elizabeth from a distance, as he had promised Raymond he always would. 

_"You have access to all the accounts she doesn't. She will want for nothing, Dembe."_

_"Of course, Raymond."_

_"Money isn't the only thing she'll need. She will need you."_

_"I will watch over her like she is my own flesh and blood. I love her, Raymond. She is family."_

_Raymond had given Dembe a pained smile that had been so full of love for the man who was his soul-brother, his soul-son. He had clasped the younger man's hand, gripping it tightly. "Thank you."_

When Elizabeth sank to her knees in the snow, Dembe snapped out of his reverie and instinctively began moving forward to go to her. But when he heard the words she cried out straight from the heart into the stillness, he made himself stop walking. He swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. It wasn't his place to help her now. Nothing he could do for her would be appropriate, or accepted. She hadn't been to this place since they had laid Raymond in the ground exactly a year ago. Even though she had bought the land so no one could ever disturb this grove, and had refashioned the house to live in, she hadn't been able, or willing, to come. Not until today. Dembe knew just how significant this moment in time was for her, having already experienced his own. He had promised to respect her privacy and he would continue to do so. Silently he backed away and resumed his vigilant guard. 

Tears welled and fell from her eyes as she reached out to place a hand on the ground where he lay beneath her. _Why, Red?_ Elizabeth squeezed her eyes shut. _Why did you leave me alone?_

Immediately after she thought it, she viciously berated herself for even sending that thought to his memory. Impatiently she brushed the tears aside, fighting against the familiar wave of anger that would, at times, find her. It was unreasonable and beyond selfish of her to blame him. Instead, she took that misdirected anger and embraced it like a lover, allowing herself to really feel it, like she had on that night when he had shed a cruel, realistic light on their relationship....

"Elizabeth?"

A quiet knock sounded on their bedroom door. She slipped a camisole over her head as Red entered. 

"You're home later than usual," she smiled, though it faltered when she saw the look on his face. He was studying her as if he had never seen her before. His expression--his eyes--were so serious. Feeling self-conscious, she folded her arms across her chest. "What's wrong?"

"Is it true?" he demanded, voice low. "Did you really leave the FBI?"

Her heart began to pound. "How did you know?"

He gave her a look, and she bit her lip. She had told only Cooper before she had left tonight, after handing him her letter of resignation. He had promised he would not say anything to anyone until Monday. But Liz knew very well Red had informants everywhere, even inside the Bureau's Post Office. "I was going to tell you tonight. In fact, I was killing myself thinking of the right way to tell you--"

"So it _is_ true," he cut her off, appalled. "Lizzy, for God's sake, _why?_ "

His reaction put her on the sudden defensive. "I thought you of all people wouldn't even have to ask that." Her tone was clipped. 

"Elizabeth, if you're referring to what happened last month--"

"Of course I am!" She swiped a hand angrily through her hair. "Red, this wasn't easy. This was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. I agonized over it, Red. For weeks! But...I can't compromise my morals anymore. I can't do it. It's not fair to you, me, or my team."

His eyes flashed. "Why didn't you come talk to me?"

Was he seriously angry with _her?_ "Because you were there! In that moment in the field, I chose _you,_ Red. I put _you_ before my team, before the FBI--even before my own country. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't have reacted in any other way. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had. And I couldn't very well _talk_ to you about it because I knew you wouldn't see it my way." Heedless of his darkening expression, she plowed on, "You've been operating within your own sphere of morality for so long, Red. I couldn't let you warp my thinking. I had to make sure of my own feelings and decide for myself."

His jaw worked soundlessly for a moment. The brief silence was heavy. Then, "Elizabeth, you have done so much good with the FBI."

"If they need me they can use me as a consultant, like they did before." 

"No! You deserve better than that," he snarled. 

"Don't think for a minute that I don't appreciate everything we went through and what you did to get me reinstated all those years ago. I know that's why you're mad. You don't think I appreciate you." 

"That's not it, Elizabeth. You deserve so much _more_ than being a _consultant._ " He said the word as if it were an insult. "I will _not_ have you lose your career for--"

"Don't use that condescending tone with me," she snapped. "I'm not a child!"

The silence was deafening. Blood rushed to her face but she lifted her chin, preparing for the verbal onslaught she was so sure would come. 

But Red didn't raise his voice. In fact, the fury in his eyes faded. A chilly disappointment and--sorrow?--replaced the hot anger in his gaze. "No," he agreed heavily. "You are not a child, Elizabeth. But neither are you my age."

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?" she demanded quietly. 

Red ran his hand over his head, his tell that he was heading into verbal territory that made him uncomfortable. "It means that I'm at least twenty years your senior," he said bluntly. "You are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I don't want you giving up a career that you love, indeed, that you are exceptional at, because of what you feel for me."

Liz stared at him. "Red...I love you."

Their eyes met. It wasn't something either said often. Of course, they both knew it, and they both acted on it every day. After being in a relationship, albeit a secret one, with him for so long, after living with him and Agnes in one of his safe houses, after sharing his bed...it was a love that went far beyond and far deeper than anything she had ever experienced before. 

His smile was sad. "Will you love me ten years from now, Lizzy? Twenty?"

"What the Hell kind of question is that?" 

"It's the kind of question that needs to be asked," he snapped. "We will have twenty years together, Lizzy. Maybe thirty. Most couples who love each other have much more time together than that. Would you be content--happy?--with a limited amount of time?"

"You're being morbid." She tried to dismiss his words by physically turning away from him. She busied herself with pulling her pajama shorts on over her panties, swallowing past the sudden lump in her throat. 

"You didn't answer my question."

Eyes tear-bright, she turned back to look at him. "Are you saying you don't want me?" It was incredible how easily her insecurities that stemmed from childhood abandonment could rise up and make her feel so small. 

He was closer to her now, and he tenderly reached out to tuck a lock of dark hair behind her ear. "As we've spoken about before, I've loved you for a long time. And you know how long I've desired you, as a man desires a woman. I will always love you, and I will always want you."

"Then why are you asking these questions?" she whispered. 

"Because I want you to be sure of yourself before you make a life-altering decision you may end up regretting."

"I know my heart, Raymond." Their eyes met again at the use of his given name. "I know that if I had to choose between your life or my team's, I'd choose yours. I know that I'm the happiest I've ever been during my whole adult life because...because I'm with you." She looked down, taking a deep breath to steady her voice. "Even if we only have thirty years together, I'd rather spend those years with you than sixty with any other man. I...." She hesitated, then went on, "I could never love another man the way I love you."

Red cupped her cheek in his hand, thumbing away the tears that had escaped her lashes. "Come here, sweetheart," he murmured, encircling her in his arms. "Come here."

Elizabeth could almost feel the silken material of his vest beneath her cheek...could almost smell his cologne. She opened her eyes and saw nothing but snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued....
> 
> This is my first attempt at a longer fanfic so thank you for reading so far. 
> 
> Please know I appreciate every single kudos and comment. They are life (seriously though) and encourage me to keep writing. :)


	3. Sine Qua Non

The anger she had felt so keenly moments ago was gone, leaving her feeling drained. Replete. Relieved. Elizabeth loathed when those waves of anger broadsided her. The rational part of her mind knew they had to do with her grief, and she was doing what she could to hold her own against the assault. They weren't nearly as frequent as they had been a year ago, when.... She shivered, wincing at the flash of bitterly painful memories. There had been days, bad, sleepless days soon after he had passed away, when she had railed at herself for loving a man who had been so much older than she. And then guilt for even allowing such a dark thought to temporarily enter her head would consume her, fury swiftly following after: first directed at Red, for foreseeing how hard his passing would be on her, and then at herself, for even feeling regret at all. 

Elizabeth sniffed, tightening her red scarf around her neck to keep the chill out. She fingered the scarf, remembering when Red had given it to her. It had been just after her last day as an agent. Her resignation from the Bureau had remained a point of contention, or so she had been convinced, between them for a couple months. Her transition from agent to consultant had not been easy, but she had known in her heart it had been the right thing to do for herself and everyone in her life, including her daughter, who she could now see more of. 

Red had not seemed to share her views on the new situation she found herself in. It had hurt her deeply to glimpse the disapproval in his expression and disappointment in his eyes. During that transitional period of time, they had fought quite a bit, sometimes over the smallest of things. Even though Liz had been careful not to argue with Red while her daughter was within earshot, she knew by Agnes's behavior that the little girl was keenly sensitive to the change in the house. Knowing that they were subjecting her to their issues had heaped even more guilt and doubt onto Liz's conscience. 

Every conversation she and Red had hadn't always ended in an argument. There had been good days mixed in with the challenging ones. But even on their good days, she had sensed Red withdrawing from her. Even when he took her out, held her, spoke with her, kissed her, slept beside her, made love to her...she could discern a barrier between them that hadn't been there since before she had shut Tom out of her life. It put her on edge, made her temper volatile. But she had still been young, as Red had so bluntly pointed out, and her pride had kept her from sitting down with him to have a heart-to-heart about what was, or wasn't, happening between them. 

Then, about two months after she had resigned, Red had announced that he was leaving on a business trip to Europe. Liz had known better than to ask questions about what he was doing or where exactly he was going. Reflecting upon whether she condoned his businesses or not had still left her confused and conflicted at that point in the early years of their relationship. 

On the morning of his departure, right before he had literally walked out the door, Red had taken her in his arms in front of Dembe, Baz, and the rest of his waiting entourage and had kissed her. It had been a deep, lingering kiss that had left her breathless. His eyes had glinted intimately, intensely, with a fire she hadn't seen in weeks. 

"I'll be back in a week," he had murmured in that gravelly, husky voice he reserved only for her, his callused fingers tracing her cheek while his other arm tightened around her waist. Then he had looked at her for a moment longer, expression unreadable, before touching his lips to her forehead in a light, chaste kiss that was at odds with the ardent way he pressed her against him. Then he had abruptly released her and had turned away, placing his black fedora upon his head...and had followed a solemn Dembe out the door without looking back. 

The house had felt empty without him in it. Liz had buried herself in her profiling work during the days and had thoroughly enjoyed her quality time with Agnes during the evenings, but when she had a spare moment to herself, she ached for Red so much it hurt. Even when they had been arguing, even with him being emotionally half-closed to her, at least he had been physically there in the house with her. 

Red had called midweek to tell her that he needed to extend his stay in Europe--France, to be exact. _He_ certainly hadn't sounded frustrated about the delay, so she had buried her own disappointment down deep within her heart and had feigned nonchalance, as if it didn't matter. Then they had spoken of Agnes, his tone turning genuinely warm and affectionate, before he had guided the conversation to Liz's own well-being. She had deflected, instead bringing up things from work to the mundane to make conversation. But it had been so forced on both their ends and she had ended the call dispiritedly. 

A few nights later, her phone had rung. Liz had set down the book she had been reading to answer it....

"Hello?"

"Hello, Lizzy."

His voice made her toes curl and she clutched the phone closer to her ear, despite herself. "Hi, Red. How are you?"

He seemed to hesitate. "Fine, Lizzy. Just fine. And you?"

Wary of his forcibly light tone, she replied, "Me too." 

He sighed, giving up the pretense. "Lizzy.... We need to talk."

"About what?" She winced as soon as the defensive words were out of her mouth. She knew exactly what he meant, and she knew _he_ knew she knew, which made her look immature. Childish. The exact opposite of what she wanted to be to him. 

"Please, Elizabeth. Don't do that. It's beneath you."

"You're one to talk," she snapped. "You want to 'talk' now? When you're half a world away from me?"

"I've been doing a lot of thinking and this couldn't wait until I was back in the States." He took a breath. "Lizzy, I've done you wrong."

His admission stilled her tongue. 

"I've been selfish. When you left Tom, I swooped in without giving you much time to...well, to yourself. I didn't give you enough time for you to _know_ yourself...to know what you really wanted."

This wasn't at all what she had been expecting him to say. "You didn't 'swoop in,' Red."

She could almost see his wry smile. "Well, I certainly didn't wait as long as I should have. And I _should have_ waited for you, Lizzy." 

"You're acting like I didn't have a choice in the matter," she told him, irritated. She propped herself up against the headboard. "I did have a choice, Red. I knew what you were doing back then. I wasn't some inexperienced teenager. I was--am--a woman grown. I wanted you too. I wanted to _be_ with you. Because I loved you."

"Because I was there." Before she could protest, he went on, "I've inhibited you. The realization dawned on me when you resigned from the Bureau as an agent."

"I don't understand."

"I loved you, Lizzy. Loved you and wanted you. And I didn't temper any of what I felt. I told myself I'd waited long enough, and that, yes, to use your own point, you were a woman grown and were giving me all the signs that you were receptive. I showed no restraint. With you," she could hear the wry smile again, "I find restraint...difficult."

She licked her lips. "Red--"

"No, listen. Please, just listen. When you confirmed your resignation, it struck me how I didn't look far enough into the future for us. With you, I was selfishly only living in the present. I-- _I,_ Lizzy, I, who pride myself on foreseeing every possible future scenario and every possible future outcome--didn't foresee you resigning because of me. Because of the positions I put you in, physically, emotionally. Because of what we are to each other. Our relationship has inhibited you. Our relationship that won't be a long one, Lizzy."

"Your arrogance is astonishing," she finally said, trying to keep her temper in check--and failing. "You act like I'm your puppet, meant to dance to your tune. The infamous Raymond Reddington might be able to pull the strings of everyone else around him, but _you,_ Red, do not control me. I am not your damn puppet. _I chose you._ And I told you that I cannot and will not love another man in your stead. I won't do it. Not ever. Just because he's potentially younger and can supposedly make me happy longer? What the Hell kind of argument is that?"

"You deserve the career you worked so hard for and you deserve to be loved longer than I will be able to. You deserve all that and more, Lizzy, and I am not the man to give you all of it."

"Is this the reason why you've been pulling away from me?" she demanded. "Is this why you fled to Europe?"

He was silent for a heartbeat. Two. Then, "I did have business to conduct here."

She gave a bitter laugh. "So you don't deny that you've been deliberately pushing me away. And here I thought you were disappointed in me, Red. I thought you considered me a failure."

His words hitched with his outrage. "I would _never_ think such a thing!" 

"How was I to know that? With the way you've been these last couple months...? How was I to know? I would see the disappointment in your eyes. The sadness. Even anger. I was devastated, Red. And I was angry, too." She was crying now. "I was so angry." Hot tears trailed unchecked down her cheeks, dripping onto the silk sheets. 

"Lizzy," he soothed, and she became aware that he'd been calling her name softly a few times now. "Lizzy, sweetheart, I'm sorry. None of that was directed at you. I was disappointed in myself. Angry with myself. Not you. I shouldn't have pushed you away. That was punishing you for something you weren't guilty of. You didn't deserve it. I'm so sorry for it."

She sniffed, rubbing her nose, taking in a deep breath, then letting it out, shuddering as she did so. Then she did it again. And again. She could hear him breathing on the other end of the line. He waited until she quieted before clearing his throat. "Elizabeth."

"Raymond."

"I love you."

She closed her eyes, a smile flickering about her lips. "I love you, too."

 _"Sine qua non,"_ he murmured.

Her brow puckered slightly. "What does that mean, Red?" 

His chuckle was low, warm--his bedroom laugh. It sent shivers up her spine. "It's Latin, Lizzy."

"Latin?"

"Mmmm. I'll tell you what it means when I get home tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued....
> 
>  _Sine qua non..._ for those of you who aren't familiar with the Latin phrase, I'd tell you here in Notes, but that would take away from Red's moment in the next chapter.
> 
> I think this fic has one or two more chapters left. Maybe an epilogue. The majority of the chapter(s) will be in flashbacks.
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always. Your comments and kudos are life.


	4. Hearts Like Ours

Red had kept his promise and had arrived back in the States the following evening. Liz had gathered that his business had gone well by his buoyant mood and it was confirmed by Dembe's relaxed attitude and easy smiles. Agnes had been so thrilled that Red and Dembe were back home that she had barely left them alone since they had walked in the door. The little girl had thrown herself at Red first for hugs and kisses, then she had rushed to Dembe for more of the same, and finally had ended up plucking at Red's sleeve until he had picked her up to settle her on his lap, showering her with affectionate attentions and gifts brought back from the finest, speciality toy stores in France. 

While Aggie had laughed in delight, galloping her newest plush pony across Red's thighs, he had looked up to meet Liz's eyes. With a warm smile, he had held her gaze, winking at her as he had inclined his head at Agnes. Liz had grinned, slightly shaking her head in amusement at her daughter's play. The two of them really had made such a sweet picture there on the sofa. 

When the clock had chimed seven, Liz had caught a glance pass between Red and Dembe. Before she could call to Agnes that it was her bedtime, Dembe had scooped her up from Red's lap, new toys and all, and had "flown" her upstairs to her room. The little girl had shrieked with glee, her thrilled giggling suddenly muffled as the door to her room closed....

Liz shot an admiring glance at Red as he stood up from the sofa. "That was smoothly done."

"I took the liberty of guessing that, perhaps just for tonight, you'd want someone else to help her get ready for bed," he grinned, gathering Liz in his arms. "And since I wasn't able to kiss you hello due to the unrelenting affections of a certain little miss...." Red lowered his mouth to hers. The kiss began gently, their lips meeting, dropping away, meeting again.... But as she moved to embrace him even closer, the kiss picked up momentum, tongues meeting, sliding, dancing. His teeth found her lower lip, nibbling, sucking gently. Her very bones felt like they were turning to jelly, her body thrummed with desire. She let out a sound that could have been a moan or a sigh...maybe it was a bit of both. 

Red lifted his head. The expression in his eyes was warm and knowing as he searched her face. Without another word, he took her hand in his and lead her upstairs to the master bedroom. 

Once the door to their room was closed, Red spun Liz around, pressing her back up against it. His mouth descended on hers again and she grasped at his vest, pulling him closer. His searching hands slid down her sides, pulling her blouse out of the waist of her skinny jeans, fingers already working at the pearly buttons. 

Liz kissed him back with fervor, her own fingers walking a similar path down his vest and then his shirt. She could feel his heart thudding against her palm as she placed it flat against his bare chest. Red leaned back slightly to look at her, fingers tracing the dark blue lace of her bralette. 

"This is new," he murmured appreciatively. 

Liz blushed under his open admiration. "Yes."

"Do the bottoms match?" His tone was a mix of honest curiosity and lust that made her snort in laughter, quickly stifled. His eyes gleamed wickedly as his large hands drifted to the button and zip of her jeans. He gently pushed them down over her hips, hands cupping her bum as she stepped out of them. He hummed, fingers tracing the floral spirals of the matching, dark blue lace. "Very pretty."

"Pretty?" 

He moved his hands up to cradle her face, eyes searching hers. "Beautiful," he amended, placing a feather-light kiss on her lips, and she knew he wasn't talking about the lingerie anymore. 

"Red...." He looked at her, fingers sliding down her body to settle at her waist. "I'm sorry."

An eyebrow arched in query. 

"For not coming to you and talking to you before you left for Europe." She bit her lower lip. "I should've come to you. I knew something was wrong. That's why I was so angry all the time. I...I kept the doubts, the hurt--all of it--bottled up. And I should know better than to do that by now," she said, that last part a bit of a soft growl that was more directed at herself than at him. 

"I could have spoken to you before leaving too, Lizzy. It's something we both should remember."

She nodded. "For my part, I promise that I'll come talk to you next time." 

He studied her face for a moment. "Did you...." He paused briefly, as if rethinking what he wanted to say, then continued, "Did you think about what we spoke of on the phone?"

She stiffened, wary. "What are you really asking me?" she frowned up at him. 

"Do you have any doubts, Lizzy? Any at all?"

"How can you ask me that as we are standing here like _this?_ " She gestured to their various states of undress. 

"You caught me in a moment of clarity," he replied, tone just slightly sardonic enough for her to slant a sharp glance at him. 

"No, Red. I don't want to end our relationship. I don't want to leave you. Isn't that what you're asking?" She sidled just out of his reach, arms crossing defensively over her chest when he didn't respond right away. "Isn't it?" 

"Yes," he replied quietly. She hadn't known it at the time--he had confided in her years later--but it had taken everything he'd had to utter that single word. 

Liz closed her eyes, the emotional sores from the night before--indeed, from the last two months--breaking open. "You're like a little kid with a scab," she told him, frustrated. "Pick, pick, pick until it's open and bleeding. Do it enough times, Red, and it'll become a scar."

"Lizzy, I'm asking for your sake. Not mine."

"Like Hell you are. We've been through this! It's like you aren't even listening to me when I speak."

"I _do_ listen and I _am_ asking for your sake!" he snapped, a bit of temper finally filtering through in his voice. "I want you to be certain of yourself."

Her jaw clenched at his condescension. "I _am_ certain," she bit out. "Despite your arrogance, your obsessive need to protect me from everyone under the sun including yourself and _myself...._ Despite your...questionable...business practices and your damn secrets...despite the fact that you can rile my temper with frightening ease, you've done more for me than anyone. You are there for me. And Agnes. Always. Without a second thought. That is who you are, Red. You are a man worth having my loyalty." 

"I'm not an angel, Lizzy." His voice was gruff, expression unreadable. 

"I've killed people too," she whispered. "Neither of us are angels."

"No," he agreed, coming closer to her. He reached out, caressing her arm lightly, fingers trailing down her silky skin to clasp her hand. "Our souls are alike, my dear. It's something that I've come to realize. Hearts like ours, Lizzy, they love wholly. Completely. Almost blindly." He reached out with his other hand, fingers brushing against her chin, guiding her eyes up to his. "I know exactly what I'd do if you were taken from this earth, Lizzy. I know how I would be...what I would feel. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on you."

She shook her head. "Our human hearts...we forget how strong they are." She allowed him to gather her close, her head coming to rest against his chest. They were both quiet for a time, then she whispered, "I'm staying with you."

His arms tightened around her. _"Sine qua non,_ Lizzy." 

"What does it mean?"

"Without which not."

She pulled back to look at him. His eyes roved over her face, one hand caressing her hair. "It refers to those things we consider as essential for life to have any value. Those things without which we cannot endure living."

"It's a beautiful phrase." 

"It is."

 _And quite significant._ Liz tilted her head and pressed her lips to his, pouring everything she felt for him into the kiss. His passionate response was immediate, at last uninhibited by anger or self-doubt, reaffirming who he was to her. _"Lizzy,"_ he groaned. With an urgency that made her gasp, he lifted her up. She wrapped her long legs around his hips, hands clutching his shoulders, lips tracing his brow as he carried her over to the bed where he then carefully eased them both down onto it. 

They made love to each other that night, bringing one another to shuddering physical and emotional release, reestablishing who exactly they were to each other while at the same time reviving their trust and belief in one another.

Heart aching with the memory now so bittersweet, Elizabeth blinked and lifted her eyes to the cold, gray stone before her. Her gaze traced the scrolling words that had been etched into it by her desire: _"'Sine qua non,'_ my love," she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued...(probably) 
> 
> Thank you very much for reading :)
> 
> Your comments and kudos mean the world to me.

**Author's Note:**

> To Be Continued....
> 
> Inspired directly by a song I had long forgotten about but recently found again:
> 
> Open Your Eyes by Daughtry 
> 
> A single rose left to remember  
> As a single tear falls from her eye  
> Another cold day in December A year from the day she said goodbye
> 
> Seems it's only been a moment  
> Since the angels took him from her arms  
> And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow  
> But as they laid him in the ground  
> Her heart would sing without a sound
> 
> For the first time you can open your eyes  
> And see the world without your sorrow  
> Where no one knows the pain you left behind
> 
> And all the peace you could never find  
> Is waiting there to hold and keep you  
> Welcome to the first day of your life  
> Just open up your eyes, eyes
> 
> A single lifetime lays behind her  
> As she draws her final breath  
> Just beyond the door he'll find her  
> Taking her hand he softly says
> 
> For the first time you can open your eyes  
> And see the world without your sorrow  
> Where no one knows the pain you left behind
> 
> And all the peace you could never find  
> Is waiting there to hold and keep you  
> Welcome to the first day of your life
> 
> Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight  
> Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry
> 
> For the first time you can open your eyes  
> And see the world without your sorrow  
> Where no one knows the pain you left behind
> 
> And all the peace you could never find  
> Is waiting there to hold and keep you  
> Welcome to the first day of your life  
> Just open up your eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes


End file.
